Saturday, December 25, 2010

Uncharted Waters

I'm just spinning in circles. Just running in place. Everyone and everything I've tried to leave behind keeps catching up and everyone I'm trying to reach surpasses me; My dreams just barely out of reach.

Does anyone ever feel like they are trying so hard to live their life but when you actually step back and survey your efforts you are even further behind than when you began?

I'm struggling just to get out of bed each morning while my friends are starting families and teaching in Kenya-living their lives. I feel trapped behind the plexiglass of what I'm trying to achieve. My life is just a dead-end road. I want to get out and live my life but this safety net I've created; the illusion of potential careers, pending happiness, and fear of failure prevent me from running away from everything and everyone I know and love.

I'm not so sure why I base so much of my decision to stay on the people in my life. I'm only setting the stage for when they leave me, just as everyone else has.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I want and what I need get jumbled amidst the "should nots" and the "would nots". I cry, laugh, scream- until there is nothing left but silence, confusion, and numbness. I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing and what I should or shouldn't do. I'm just wading through this life, afraid to make mistakes so I allow my life to be put on repeat.

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