Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Current

Is this what I agreed to? My quickened heartbeat, shallow breaths, increased panic. I fear I am heading straight for the edge. I'm back-pedaling but the current is too strong. This isn't what I asked for. Not what I wanted. how do I tell you this will never work? My reaction alone to a simple text should have been the warning I needed. I must be a glutton for punishment to make myself suffer this much more.

I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit and suffer in the corners of my mind. I don't want to face the light of reality or the people warning me that this is a bad idea. They don't understand that I've missed talking to you. But they were the ones who picked me back up when you hurt me repeatedly. I don't know how to make you understand the complexity of my decision.

Im scared. I'm trying to wait and see what God has in store. But I can't tell if you are back in my life to tempt me or because you are supposed to be there. I'm so tired of being hurt. I don't know how you can prove you've changed. Are you still smoking? Do you still feel like your life is completely wasted? Are you going to drag me down again? I don't know what to do anymore. I thought it would be easier to forget you, but I still wonder about how you are doing, how your family is. If you still have your job, did you graduate?

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Uncharted Waters

I'm just spinning in circles. Just running in place. Everyone and everything I've tried to leave behind keeps catching up and everyone I'm trying to reach surpasses me; My dreams just barely out of reach.

Does anyone ever feel like they are trying so hard to live their life but when you actually step back and survey your efforts you are even further behind than when you began?

I'm struggling just to get out of bed each morning while my friends are starting families and teaching in Kenya-living their lives. I feel trapped behind the plexiglass of what I'm trying to achieve. My life is just a dead-end road. I want to get out and live my life but this safety net I've created; the illusion of potential careers, pending happiness, and fear of failure prevent me from running away from everything and everyone I know and love.

I'm not so sure why I base so much of my decision to stay on the people in my life. I'm only setting the stage for when they leave me, just as everyone else has.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I want and what I need get jumbled amidst the "should nots" and the "would nots". I cry, laugh, scream- until there is nothing left but silence, confusion, and numbness. I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing and what I should or shouldn't do. I'm just wading through this life, afraid to make mistakes so I allow my life to be put on repeat.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sinking ship

To the sinking captain:

I don't know what happened to us. I never did anything to hurt you. You lied from the beginning. I allowed myself to change with you. I became everything I never wanted to be. It became a sinkhole. No matter how hard I tried I just got pulled further down. I lost myself. Forgot who I was. Disregarded the red flags and alarms in my head because I thought we were in it together. Something about the way you commanded of me, the things I was unwilling to give, the face you made when I said no, the guilt trips you threw me; I can't believe you blame me. You said all the right things. It was always a give and take relationship. I gave, you took. That as totally unhealthy. I never lied to you. You put me through so much. When we were together you demanded I tell you I didn't think you were right for me. You knew it was going to end. You egged it on, but you still place the failure on my shoulders. You'd say one thing and then the next day say the opposite. You seem as unsure as I was. You don't and never have respected me. You made fun of me, my choices, and my beliefs. I never once thought you weren't good enough for me, just not "right" for me. After the past three months I can see you are no good for me. You made me feel worthless, caused me to cry on a daily basis. You have no hope for the future. I stayed friends with you because I care a lot about you. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. But you changed. You no longer care about anything but your drugs and alcohol. Its really too bad. You could have done a lot with your life. Instead you threw it away. You knew how to make a girl feel like you actually cared- most days. You were just dragging me down with your sinking ship. I'm tired of being drug downwards when I have so many people trying to hold me up.

I know you've been a floundering fish for a while but I can't save you. You scare me, hurt me, and insult me continuously. It's time for me to stand up for myself. It's not fair to me to stick around for the sake of someone to doesn't appreciate me.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Sanity

Dear Sanity,

It has been a while. You have stopped visiting over time. I know we’ve been through a lot. I know I kept pushing you away with these absurd thoughts of causing pain to those who’ve hurt me. I pushed reality away too if it makes you feel any better. Doesn’t make me feel any better though. I flirt with the past even though I’m not interested. I know doing so only brings me down. But it’s such a hard habit to break. You left me again a few days ago. What should have been a cute little errand run with my dad somehow turned into me biting my lip, digging my nails into my palms and above all pretending I wasn’t going to cry. I know I disobeyed you by going there. I knew I’d lose you as soon as I followed my dad through the doors. But I also knew that he expected me to follow. He doesn’t understand what it’s like. I’m sorry, but if you would just come back, for a little while; long enough to re-establish my life, figure out who I am. You can leave me afterwards. I just miss you is all. Speaking of, it was very unfair and semi rude of you to leave me when I was in Eau Claire Sunday. I know I was passing Menard's. I felt it too. That stabbing pain deep within that sent chills through my body. I wouldn’t have if only you’d have stayed and kept me company instead of running away. I remember what happened too. But I would appreciate it if next time you would stick by me so I’m not greeted with such harsh regrets. Also, next time you decide to leave me for an entire day when I really need to be in class please give me a 3-hour warning. Sitting on the futon staring blankly at the white wall for six hrs with the inability to stop the crying when I should have been in class is very uncalled for. You freaked my roommates out, by the way. You know Franny doesn’t know how to deal with tears. Please come back. I will be nice this time. I wont cast you away when I command attacks on my friend, conscience. I will need you to visit this next semester at least, a visit adjacent to the visit of my mother. If you can’t make it back before then the least you could do is be back by march, but be prepared to stay a while- or at least as long as mother does. I should have visited you at the park tonight, I tried to wait for you by sitting in my car before walking in. I guess you really wanted me to go to the park. Next time, I promise. But I will have to bring Michael with. It seems he’s the only one you will allow me to visit in your presence- which is ironic because he was the reason you left me last year. Regardless, please come back. I need you.

Thank you for understanding and for your time. I hope you will consider my request.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Life on Repeat

Ever looked at your life
Realizing nothing has gone right?
Ever woken up in the morning
Cursing yourself for doing so?

Even the messages or texts friends send
Letting you know they care
Barely break the barrier of pain
Enveloping you so thoroughly

The words "I love you" are a prop
Becoming merely a last resort
Spewed in hopes that you will have reason
Meaning so little, those words
They beg the question "why?"
If only they knew the innermost thoughts
Would they still love you?
Would they run from this lost cause?

This is my life.

It has been put on repeat
The people rotate over time
After a while the character list thins
Soon I will be left all alone

I might as well get used to the darkness
Each day it gets harder to face myself
Everything Ive become, what I do or don't do
Its all just a lump of disappointment lodged in my throat

No one notices when I shut myself off
I seldom talk to anyone enough for them to notice the break
Those who do notice think of it as a nice holiday from me

I hate the way I am
I wish my friends would find someone better
Its so easy to do
I don't deserve them
I don't understand why they stay
I wouldn't

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Dysfunctional, Kirsten Iehl, 2011

There is no one in the world
Who could hurt me like you
My own flesh and blood
That you deny

You don’t know me
Never have.
You didn’t take the time
All your promises lay broken

If only you knew
The pain that you caused
The inconsistency you create
When you leave so unexpectedly

You’ve missed everything
I needed you there for
And you still aren’t here
Why don’t you love us?

The canyon you created
Is far too deep
Stay where you are
Out of my life

Moving back wont fix anything
The things I have yet to say
Get lodged in my throat
And I feign happy daughter

One day I wont hold back
The undercurrent of utter hatred
For what you did to us
I promise I will make you cry.