The Current

Is this what I agreed to? My quickened heartbeat, shallow breaths, increased panic. I fear I am heading straight for the edge. I'm back-pedaling but the current is too strong. This isn't what I asked for. Not what I wanted. how do I tell you this will never work? My reaction alone to a simple text should have been the warning I needed. I must be a glutton for punishment to make myself suffer this much more.

I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit and suffer in the corners of my mind. I don't want to face the light of reality or the people warning me that this is a bad idea. They don't understand that I've missed talking to you. But they were the ones who picked me back up when you hurt me repeatedly. I don't know how to make you understand the complexity of my decision.

Im scared. I'm trying to wait and see what God has in store. But I can't tell if you are back in my life to tempt me or because you are supposed to be there. I'm so tired of being hurt. I don't know how you can prove you've changed. Are you still smoking? Do you still feel like your life is completely wasted? Are you going to drag me down again? I don't know what to do anymore. I thought it would be easier to forget you, but I still wonder about how you are doing, how your family is. If you still have your job, did you graduate?