Little voices. Major pain.

I wish I could shut them off, dull them down, drown them out to just a low hum. The voices. The doubts. The memories. Words spoken.  The silences. Mourning all the things that will never be, all the perfect moments: I don't want these in my head. There is no escape. Music- the only method of forgetting has become a source of remembrance. I will never be the same. Nothing at all could ever be. For better or for worse.  These voices tell me I'm fading away. They erase the marks I make on the world and convince me I can just back away slowly. It's days like these that I miss her the most. Mad that she left... me here. Remembering the last time I saw her, the promise made- The promise I broke. The 7 year promise she broke. I don't toss blame. Just try to squish sense out of places where there isn't any.

I do this a lot. It never ends. Its the same conversation every single time. One sided. Empty. Pointless.

Waiting

I let you unravel me

Pull the chords

Gave you my most precious organ

Leaving yours in it’s place

I keep staring at it

Studying it

Making sure it doesn’t leave

Afraid it will somehow stop beating

I can’t feel you near me

The pain is so thick

So hard to breathe

I feel like I’m falling

Jumping into the deep unknown

Afraid of where I will land

Or if I ever will

I reach for your hand

I double over on the floor

Gasping for air

Draining my eyes

Cursing this life

I don’t know how to do this

Without you

I’m supposed to stay strong

But I feel so broken

I’m so alone

Completely lost

Waiting for your return
Don't know what else to do

The Road I've Taken

Support, Kirsten Iehl, Oil on panel, 2010

Tap scuff
Tap scuff
Tap scuff
Nothing but the sound of my shoes on the road
One Steady beat
 I speed up

Tap tap scuff
Tap tap scuff
Tap tap scuff
I can still feel it.
It’s still there.
Everything I tried to leave behind.
The time I said no.
And the one after.
Everything that happened
The things that didn’t
All following me
Refusing to let me out of its sights.

Tap tap Scuff
Tap tap scuff
Tap tap scuff
Everyone has a safety net they can run into
Someone to wipe away their tears
Someone to extend a hand when they loose steam
Or help them when they fall
Mine is no longer.
And no others have come forth.
It’s just me and this silly road.

Tap tap scuff
Tap tap scuff
Tap tap scuff
Its at my heels now
Weighing me down
I fall to my knees,
buckling under the pressure
Suffocating with despair
I’m worn out, tired of running from everything
I want to be done.
I don’t’ want to do this anymore.
No matter how far or how fast I run
It will still be there.
I can’t run from my past or myself
There is no escape.

Marching On

I've been bruised,
Broken, and trampled on,
I've fallen down
Thinking I'd never get up
I've run away
From who I am
lost myself
Wherever I could
But I never gave up.
I've prevailed through it all

I have scars,
Nightmares of memories,
But the most amazing friends
Anyone could ask for
And they helped me stand
When I'd lost all hope.
I'm living how I want
Doing what I will
Nothing else matters

I'm standing up
Brushing off my knees
Showing the world
That I am resilient
No one will fight my war
Except for me
I've made it this far
There is nothing
Stopping me now
My ducks are in a row
And we are steadily marching on.

The Current

Is this what I agreed to? My quickened heartbeat, shallow breaths, increased panic. I fear I am heading straight for the edge. I'm back-pedaling but the current is too strong. This isn't what I asked for. Not what I wanted. how do I tell you this will never work? My reaction alone to a simple text should have been the warning I needed. I must be a glutton for punishment to make myself suffer this much more.

I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit and suffer in the corners of my mind. I don't want to face the light of reality or the people warning me that this is a bad idea. They don't understand that I've missed talking to you. But they were the ones who picked me back up when you hurt me repeatedly. I don't know how to make you understand the complexity of my decision.

Im scared. I'm trying to wait and see what God has in store. But I can't tell if you are back in my life to tempt me or because you are supposed to be there. I'm so tired of being hurt. I don't know how you can prove you've changed. Are you still smoking? Do you still feel like your life is completely wasted? Are you going to drag me down again? I don't know what to do anymore. I thought it would be easier to forget you, but I still wonder about how you are doing, how your family is. If you still have your job, did you graduate?

Uncharted Waters

I'm just spinning in circles. Just running in place. Everyone and everything I've tried to leave behind keeps catching up and everyone I'm trying to reach surpasses me; My dreams just barely out of reach.

Does anyone ever feel like they are trying so hard to live their life but when you actually step back and survey your efforts you are even further behind than when you began?

I'm struggling just to get out of bed each morning while my friends are starting families and teaching in Kenya-living their lives. I feel trapped behind the plexiglass of what I'm trying to achieve. My life is just a dead-end road. I want to get out and live my life but this safety net I've created; the illusion of potential careers, pending happiness, and fear of failure prevent me from running away from everything and everyone I know and love.

I'm not so sure why I base so much of my decision to stay on the people in my life. I'm only setting the stage for when they leave me, just as everyone else has.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I want and what I need get jumbled amidst the "should nots" and the "would nots". I cry, laugh, scream- until there is nothing left but silence, confusion, and numbness. I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing and what I should or shouldn't do. I'm just wading through this life, afraid to make mistakes so I allow my life to be put on repeat.

Sinking ship

To the sinking captain:

I don't know what happened to us. I never did anything to hurt you. You lied from the beginning. I allowed myself to change with you. I became everything I never wanted to be. It became a sinkhole. No matter how hard I tried I just got pulled further down. I lost myself. Forgot who I was. Disregarded the red flags and alarms in my head because I thought we were in it together. Something about the way you commanded of me, the things I was unwilling to give, the face you made when I said no, the guilt trips you threw me; I can't believe you blame me. You said all the right things. It was always a give and take relationship. I gave, you took. That as totally unhealthy. I never lied to you. You put me through so much. When we were together you demanded I tell you I didn't think you were right for me. You knew it was going to end. You egged it on, but you still place the failure on my shoulders. You'd say one thing and then the next day say the opposite. You seem as unsure as I was. You don't and never have respected me. You made fun of me, my choices, and my beliefs. I never once thought you weren't good enough for me, just not "right" for me. After the past three months I can see you are no good for me. You made me feel worthless, caused me to cry on a daily basis. You have no hope for the future. I stayed friends with you because I care a lot about you. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. But you changed. You no longer care about anything but your drugs and alcohol. Its really too bad. You could have done a lot with your life. Instead you threw it away. You knew how to make a girl feel like you actually cared- most days. You were just dragging me down with your sinking ship. I'm tired of being drug downwards when I have so many people trying to hold me up.

I know you've been a floundering fish for a while but I can't save you. You scare me, hurt me, and insult me continuously. It's time for me to stand up for myself. It's not fair to me to stick around for the sake of someone to doesn't appreciate me.

Dear Sanity

Dear Sanity,

It has been a while. You have stopped visiting over time. I know we’ve been through a lot. I know I kept pushing you away with these absurd thoughts of causing pain to those who’ve hurt me. I pushed reality away too if it makes you feel any better. Doesn’t make me feel any better though. I flirt with the past even though I’m not interested. I know doing so only brings me down. But it’s such a hard habit to break. You left me again a few days ago. What should have been a cute little errand run with my dad somehow turned into me biting my lip, digging my nails into my palms and above all pretending I wasn’t going to cry. I know I disobeyed you by going there. I knew I’d lose you as soon as I followed my dad through the doors. But I also knew that he expected me to follow. He doesn’t understand what it’s like. I’m sorry, but if you would just come back, for a little while; long enough to re-establish my life, figure out who I am. You can leave me afterwards. I just miss you is all. Speaking of, it was very unfair and semi rude of you to leave me when I was in Eau Claire Sunday. I know I was passing Menard's. I felt it too. That stabbing pain deep within that sent chills through my body. I wouldn’t have if only you’d have stayed and kept me company instead of running away. I remember what happened too. But I would appreciate it if next time you would stick by me so I’m not greeted with such harsh regrets. Also, next time you decide to leave me for an entire day when I really need to be in class please give me a 3-hour warning. Sitting on the futon staring blankly at the white wall for six hrs with the inability to stop the crying when I should have been in class is very uncalled for. You freaked my roommates out, by the way. You know Franny doesn’t know how to deal with tears. Please come back. I will be nice this time. I wont cast you away when I command attacks on my friend, conscience. I will need you to visit this next semester at least, a visit adjacent to the visit of my mother. If you can’t make it back before then the least you could do is be back by march, but be prepared to stay a while- or at least as long as mother does. I should have visited you at the park tonight, I tried to wait for you by sitting in my car before walking in. I guess you really wanted me to go to the park. Next time, I promise. But I will have to bring Michael with. It seems he’s the only one you will allow me to visit in your presence- which is ironic because he was the reason you left me last year. Regardless, please come back. I need you.

Thank you for understanding and for your time. I hope you will consider my request.

Kirsten

Life on Repeat

Ever looked at your life
Realizing nothing has gone right?
Ever woken up in the morning
Cursing yourself for doing so?

Even the messages or texts friends send
Letting you know they care
Barely break the barrier of pain
Enveloping you so thoroughly

The words "I love you" are a prop
Becoming merely a last resort
Spewed in hopes that you will have reason
Meaning so little, those words
They beg the question "why?"
If only they knew the innermost thoughts
Would they still love you?
Would they run from this lost cause?

This is my life.

It has been put on repeat
The people rotate over time
After a while the character list thins
Soon I will be left all alone

I might as well get used to the darkness
Each day it gets harder to face myself
Everything Ive become, what I do or don't do
Its all just a lump of disappointment lodged in my throat

No one notices when I shut myself off
I seldom talk to anyone enough for them to notice the break
Those who do notice think of it as a nice holiday from me

I hate the way I am
I wish my friends would find someone better
Its so easy to do
I don't deserve them
I don't understand why they stay
I wouldn't

Stay

Dysfunctional, Kirsten Iehl, 2011

There is no one in the world
Who could hurt me like you
My own flesh and blood
That you deny

You don’t know me
Never have.
You didn’t take the time
All your promises lay broken

If only you knew
The pain that you caused
The inconsistency you create
When you leave so unexpectedly

You’ve missed everything
I needed you there for
And you still aren’t here
Why don’t you love us?

The canyon you created
Is far too deep
Stay where you are
Out of my life

Moving back wont fix anything
The things I have yet to say
Get lodged in my throat
And I feign happy daughter

One day I wont hold back
The undercurrent of utter hatred
For what you did to us
I promise I will make you cry.

If Only

If only you'd seen
What you had
You cry yourself to sleep
Face the stranger in the mirror.
You are an empty shell
Void of all feelings
Whispering sweetly every hour
To the drugs that allow you to feel

Don't you understand
How hard it was
To watch you fall apart
And not allowed to care?
You knew me better than I, myself
But I can't tell you from the drugs
You insult me in a constant train
Do you mean what you say now?
Did you mean what you said then?

What happened to us?
How did it come to this?
You only truly cared about yourself
I gave until I had nothing left
You took it all and tore me down
You broke me
So I'm cutting you loose
We only hurt each other
I'm breaking my promises
But they mean nothing
If you push me to my end

Strength

Facade, Kirsten Iehl, Oil on Panel, 2011

I'm not as strong as I look
As I want to appear to be
My surface is chafed and cracked,
scratched, chipped, and bruised.

Underneath the facade
I'm broken
My legs can barely stand
My spine folds
Under the weight of this heavy heart

I wish I were
As strong as them
I've been through so much
I can barely keep it together
On a good day

I look to the almighty
To be the second footsteps,
To carry me in times of need,
And guide me when I lose my way
Without him, I'm forever weak

Flowers

In Bloom, Kirsten Iehl, Acrylic on paper 2010

I needed to see you
So i drove forty minutes
and sat around at your work.
I called your phone
But you didn't answer.
I saw your family yesterday
Thought of asking them
How you were doing
but I know they haven't heard
Much from you recently.
I drove passed your house
Hoping to see your car.
I wrote on your wall last night
I'm still waiting for the reply

Today I brought you flowers
and set them on your grave.

I miss you so much it hurts.
I cry so hard I'm gasping for air.
but no matter how much I cry
You wont be coming back.
This realization only makes it worse.

I can't focus on anything but your face.
And how I will never see it again.
How much I miss your laugh.

When I paint my nails
I remember, you taught me how.

Even my escape, brings me back to you.

Glass

I sit here
Watching your life fall to bits
I reach to help you
But I’m stuck behind the glass
All I can do is watch
You struggle to pick up the pieces
Stumble and fall under the weight
I hate seeing you like this
Tears in your eyes
Scrapes and bruises on your knees
A broken-hearted wreck
I know its not all my fault
But it’s still painful to watch
Knowing I can’t do a thing.
You stare at a map
Standing at the crossroad
Unsure which way to go
I scream for you to go that way
But the glass cages my voice.
This is a choice you must make on your own
I watch as you sit down in the dust
Afraid to make the wrong choice
You throw up your white flag.

Don’t give up yet
You have so much more going for you
You are stuck in a bad place
Keep going it gets better I promise.
You swore I must have never cared
But I never stopped caring
I cared too much to let us continue
You could do better
And you will
You just have to believe it.
I will be here to help you up when you fall
But you have to let me be.
I can only do so much
You have to make your own choices
You have more potential that you admit to
If only you could see
What I see from behind the glass-
Where you put me.

Regrets

Release, Kirsten Iehl, Oil on Panel, 2010

So many words
Left unsaid
I never took the time
I thought I’d have the chance
The things I never did
Replay in my head
Maybe if I had
You wouldn’t have left
The way you did.
You’ve become a statistic
100% of people
In my life
Leave me
One way or another.
I thought you were doing better
I had just seen you
The month before
If I’d have known…
I’d have told you
How much you meant to me
I’d have thanked you

Release (detail), Kirsten Iehl, Oil on panel, 2010

For saving my life
And being the best
Friend I could have asked for.
I would have returned
The favor.
Some days I can’t
Get you out of my head
Or stop the tears
When I see
all the amazing things
You couldn’t
Other days I hate you
For leaving me
Alone.
Which is exactly
What I am.
You were selfish.
I should hate you.
But you spent your
Entire life
Fixing everyone
Else’s problems
I just hope you left
Knowing
How much you are loved
And how terribly you are missed.